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Last night, just as I was slipping into the velvet of sleep, I startled awake.

"I DIDN'T TAKE ANY PHOTO'S TODAY."

I sat up in bed. I was wretchedly exhausted. It had been a very long day, I worked at all four of my jobs, including my job as an Actor*, and I managed to fit in twenty minutes of yoga, but no photographs. No guitar. And then the crashing realization: I'm not really an artist. I can't even keep up a simple little project. I'm nothing.

And then I decided that I was being stupid. It didn't mean anything. It only meant something if I let it. So I curled up against Michael and fell asleep. And today I got up and I worked at two of my jobs and though I didn't manage to practice yoga or guitar, I took some photographs and I sat here and I wrote a little bit. And the thing is? We all have to let ourselves off the hook. I can't do everything I want to do every single day. None of us can. It's not realistic. But I can be proud of myself for trying to do it all, instead of spending the day in dirty sweats eating ice cream in front of the TV, which I swear would be a thousand times easier. And then, as if the Universe was trying to send me a little reminder that I can in fact reach my dream, I got a check today for acting. Today, I got paid for an acting job. Sure, it was for a project I worked on with Marcia Gay Harden when I was twelve, BUT STILL. I am an actress who gets paid to act.

*I have, within the last several weeks, realized that if I don't start treating my acting career like A Career, it won't ever be A Career. I have to stop talking about it as "my shitty acting career" and start TAKING THE NECESSARY STEPS TO BOOK MY NEXT ACTING JOB. So that is what I am doing. When you hear me talk about one of my four jobs, being an Actor is one of those jobs. It is the Number 1 job. The Top Priority Job. I spend, at minimum, an hour every day doing something that can help me book that next acting job. Whether it's working on mailings, researching casting directors I want to audition for, reading the trades, or prepping for an audition, I make sure to do something every day. I have to. I deserve it.

7/15/09