You call that food, cretin??

That white spot on his nose? It's kitty litter.

In an ongoing effort to shave down our expenses, I started buying chicken livers from the butcher for a dollar a pound, to use as dog treats. The "all-natural" fancy-shmancy dog treats we usually buy are $7 a pound, so I thought I'd found a great bargain. Of course, I have to cook the livers myself, but it's for the dogs. I save money and feed them real food instead of processed crap. Totally worth it. Now, you might think that chicken liver is gross, but I'll have you know that to any dog with half a brain, chicken liver is manna from heaven.

The first day I came home with the livers I was so excited that I cooked the slimy little things right away. And because I was feeling generous, and excited about my new bargain dog food, and proud of myself for actually cooking, I decided to give Valentine and Theo each a WHOLE liver instead of just the bite-sized pieces I planned to dole out as rewards. 

Valentine, good little bitch that she is, gobbled hers right up. But Theo? Theo, the dog who fishes from the litter box on a near daily basis? The dog who eats Valentine's poo AS IT'S COMING OUT OF HER BUTT? The dog who, while running down the street, will crane his head around and scarf up a huge pile of dried out poop without pausing to sniff it first? Theo wouldn't even take the liver from my hand. I had to put it in his dish so he could poke at it with his nose, prodding it until it flipped over, huffing and snuffling and snarfling at it. And then? Because apparently he still wasn't sure, he peeled his lips back and using just his frontmost teeth took a tiny, tentative bite as if to say, "I'll try this because you clearly went to so much trouble and I wouldn't want to offend you. But please take note, mere human. This is only a courtesy bite."

F*cker.