Monday, March 02, 2009

Feet. Or as my brother calls them: Ugly, long-palmed hands with freakishly deformed useless fingers.

Michael gives me a pedicure on the day before our wedding.
I am obsessed with feet. Not in a weird, I-want-to-watch-you-have-your-feet-spanked-with-a-pickle-and-then-wrapped-in-rye-toast-while-an-80-year-old-man-sucks-mayonnaise-off-your-toes kind of way, but in a I-can't-stop-myself-from-staring-whenever-I-see-people's-feet kind of way. I happen to have been born into a family of beautiful footed people. I love my own feet and consider them one of my most attractive features. I was careful to marry a man with beautiful feet, to ensure that I would have babies with beautiful feet. Sometimes, when I'm thinking about my husband's ex-girlfriends and ex-wives, I wonder, "Did she have pretty feet? I bet her feet weren't as pretty as mine." Whenever I meet someone with unfortunate looking feet, I feel a pang of sadness for them. What a terrible thing, I think, to go through life with ugly feet. 

In the spring when it's warm out and people begin wearing sandals and such, I find myself staring at feet in the subway. I stare at the feet around me as I walk the city streets. I can't help myself. I find that most of the people who wear foot-exposing shoes are taking pretty good care of their feet. While I appreciate the well-pedicured feet, what I really love are the freak-feet. Freak-feet are like train-wrecks. You don't want to look, BUT YOU HAVE TO. 

I thrill when I discover the woman who apparently thinks it's pretty to grow her toenails out three inches and paint them gold. It's all I can do to keep from gagging as I fumble for my camera-phone to try to snap a photo before she walks away. And then there are those people who pay their pedicurist to french manicure their toes, which, in my opinion, just makes them look as if they have really long toenails. True, they are clean looking long toenails, but still long toenails. I can't figure out why someone would pay to have their toenails cut and filed and then painted to look as if they had not been cut and filed. I cannot comprehend this but I can't stop looking at it either. And then, there are my favorites: Monkey Feet. 

There seem to be a lot of Monkey Footed people running around Earth. In case you aren't sure what I'm talking about, Monkey Feet are very long feet with VERY long curling toes. Toes that are more like short fingers than actual toes. Often, the big toe is an inch or so from the second toe (which is always longer than the big toe) and looks as if it is opposable, as if it is really a thumb on the foot. And that long second toe could surely be used for grabbing and grasping. Even when Monkey Feet are well-pedicured, they are wonderfully freakish. They look as if they were built specifically for climbing trees, which is odd because as human beings we really don't have occasion to climb trees with our feet. I suppose this is a trait left over from evolution? One last link to our cousins, the beautiful and graceful chimpanzees?

I have fantasies about these feet. If they were mine, I would not stuff them into pointy shoes and go about life as any regular person. If they were mine, I would make much better use of them than that. I would keep them uncovered. I would run about bare-footed and wild. I would climb trees and dangle from boughs. I would grow my toenails out three inches, but not for vanity's sake. No, no. For necessity. Survival. I would need three-inch toenails for faster climbing and for warding off predators. With these magnificent feet I would break away from society and become one with Mother Earth. I would live amongst the beasts and hunt for my food, using my powerful feet as tools, my toenails as weapons. I would become Jungle Girl. I would dance in the moonlight, naked, howling at the stars, more alive than ever before. I would be truly free.

But alas, I was not born with Monkey Feet. My little dainty feet and snub toes have decided my fate. There will be no wild jungle for me. No frolicking in moonlit fields. No naked dancing. Instead, I have been fated to a life time of pedicures and pointy shoes. But at least my feet are pretty.

12 comments:

Patch said...

Uhhh...aside from the whole "dance in the moonlight, naked, howling at the stars" thing, wouldn't you fear that one wrong step that could tear off your monkey toenails? That's why long nails (finger AND toe) creep ME out. But enough about me.

You have fun over there in your own little corner fantasizing about monkey feet and dancing naked as Jungle Girl. Good luck with that.

Patch said...

P.S. I-want-to-watch-you-have-your-feet-spanked-with-a-pickle-and-then-wrapped-in-rye-toast-while-an-80-year-old-man-sucks-mayonnaise-off-your-toes?????????????????????????????????????? That may be a problem in its self!!!!!!!

P.P.S. ^That's SO going to be my new available message on AIM. Totally. (the feet-watching part!)

Frosty said...

Wait, wait. I'm saying I DON'T like feet in that kind of way. Did you think I was saying I liked that?? Ew. No. But people do. And we make fun of them.

xo

Anonymous said...

You actually had me checking out my own feet. Cut that out.

Kate said...

Haha, this post is delightfully quirky. Your husband is far too good to you giving you a pedicure like that! ;)

P.S. I am SO SICK OF THE COLD TOO!! It was a really fun novelty for a while, having an actual winter as opposed to Texas 60° winters... but now I am really appreciating springtime.

Frosty said...

OMG Kate! I thought I'd lost you as a reader. *sigh* I can sleep again. ;-) xo

Hawk said...

*I* happen to be the proud owner of a set of ugly feet, a veritable ick fest of foot grotesqueriea!

Funky footed and proud!

'cita said...

Hawk, will you please flickr your feet? Just to prove you're an honest man?

'cita said...

Hawk, will you please flickr your feet? Just to prove you're an honest man?

Hawk said...

'cita, I took several pictures of my feet and I'm honestly too embarassed to share them publicly.

Tara said...

Actually, I recall the time you frolicked in a midnight field, and caught Poison Oak.......

Frosty said...

Tara - Dude. How do you remember that? And actually, I think it was a very lady-like midnight tea party that was happening. And there was no nakedness. Silly.