Radio Silent

On Friday, March 6, 2009, my beloved cousin Jacob died of a heart attack. He was 32.

Jacob loved scuba diving. He loved music. He loved to sing karaoke and laugh and drink beer. He had recently become obsessed with an album by a singer named Alice Smith. Jacob was a romantic. He had an infectious smile. He was one of the older cousins who always treated me as if I was his equal, even though I was a little kid with pigtails and glasses. Once I was old enough to be his equal, he made me feel like I was his favorite person in the world. He had a way of making people feel like that. It was the way he listened when you talked, the way he looked in your eyes, the way he asked questions and the way he carved out time for you, no matter what else he was doing. He always said 'I love you' before hanging up the phone but never in that way that so many people say it - rushed and forced by habit. When Jake said it he said it because he wanted you to know how much he loved you. He wanted you to know how important you are. He wanted to make sure you'd heard him.

"I love you Trish."
"I love you too."

I am devastated. I am furious. I am in denial. I am confused. I am heartbroken.

Tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. I will leave my husband sleeping in our warm white bed and I will make my way across the country. As the sun is coming up, as the plane makes it's ascent, I will play the game I played as a child, searching the clouds for the faces of my dead. (Will I see him there?) I will land in Seattle at 1:23 p.m. - that time specifically chosen because in my family, that string of numbers - 123 - means "I love you". Once in Seattle, I will put my arms around the people Jake left behind and tell them how much I love them, how important they are.

I will not be posting for a while. I will be quiet. I will be thinking. I will be remembering. I will be with my family. I will be trying to heal.

Thank you for your love and support. Please pray for my family. We have suffered a terrible and unfair loss. The world is a darker place in Jake's absence.