An Open Letter To The Asshole Who Doesn't Know How To Walk Down Stairs

Dear A**hole Who Lives In My Building And Doesn't Know How To Walk Down Stairs:

This afternoon it dawned on me that I owe you an apology. For nearly two years now, I have been quietly cursing you on a daily basis. Sometimes I curse you several times a day. At first, I just prayed that you'd be ripped from a peaceful sleep the way that I was when you stomped up and down the stairs every morning. Then, as I became more and more exhausted thanks to your uncanny ability to wake me up an hour before my alarm goes off every morning, I started praying that you'd break your legs and fracture your fingers. I realized I'd gone too far this morning when, at 6:00 a.m., I asked God to have someone wearing a ski mask smash in your skull, rip out your eyeballs and shove them down your bleeding throat. Just because you live your life with absolutely no regard for other people doesn't mean that I have to. I am sorry that I sunk down to your level. I mean, it isn't your fault that every time you stomp your way up and down three flights of stairs you scare the bejesus out of every dog in the building so that each one starts barking insanely, creating a cacophony of canine yelps that continues for thirty minutes after you are well out of ear shot. It's the fault of the people who have the dogs! Including me! What was I thinking when I adopted those furry friends? I should've known I'd never rest peacefully again, not when a neighbor might feel the need to stomp as loudly and heavily as possibly on each of thirty-six steps. You know who else is to blame, other than you? The building itself. For being so old and having such loud stairs. Of course, no one else who lives here makes as much noise as you do, except for that guy who is always slamming his front door. Except for him, every one else is pretty quiet. But I digress. From now on, you have my word that I will not wish you a slow, painful death. From now on, I will pray that you be killed quickly and swiftly. By someone wearing very heavy cleats.

Sincerely,
Your Neighbor Who Hates You.