Pretty Poo-Eater

Poompy and I have recently taken a special interest in the Hell Hound's diet. We have switched her over to a newer, fancier food. It means that we now spend about $12 a pound on the very best 100% natural, totally organic, high protein, vitamin-infused, antioxidant-rich dog food so that Satan's Lap Dog can have a healthy well-balanced diet. But rather than appreciate our efforts to assist her in living a healthier life style, she turns her little wet nose up at us. And eats wood chips. And cigarette butts. And used paper towels. And poop.

There was this one day, when we were still living in Hollywood, when a homeless guy had to point out to me that the chiremlin was eating poop. We were out for our afternoon walk, and to keep myself busy while she sniffed every individual blade of grass for five blocks, I decided to make a phone call. I was so distracted by this phone call that I wasn't paying attention the the chiremlin at all. All of a sudden this homeless man walks up to me and points at the chiremlin and says, "uh... yer dog's eating shit..." I look to see what he's talking about because I just can't believe that my gorgeous little blonde dog would do such a nasty thing and she's not just eating the poop. She is CHOWING DOWN THE POOP. She's inhaling this fresh, gooey, yellowish-poop as if it were a nice filet mignon. And she's getting it all over her face. Her pretty little nose, that I often kiss and caress, is streaked with poop. When I got her home, I had to clean poop off her face. I used rubbing alcohol. It was traumatizing. For the next three days her belches smelled like farts.

Tonight when I served the chiremlin her tres expensive fancy organic Lamb and Rice formula dog food with antioxidants and Vitamin E, she sniffed it, looked up at me disdainfully, pranced into the living room and started eating out of the litter box.

I think the new diet's going well, no?