Leap, and I will appear.

In an ongoing effort not to feel like a complete asshole about the state of my career, I have spent some time this week putting together packages to send to casting people that I would like to audition for. It always feels like such a torturous project because I know that 99.7% of the time, it is a big waste of energy and money. But I also know that 0.03% of the time, actors get calls from cold mailings. So, it's with a heavy heart and the hope of being one of those 0.03% of people that I take pains over my cover letter and carefully cut my resume to fit my head shot, and label my demo and put it all into an envelope and buy a million dollars of postage and send it on its way. But I do it.

And also, by the way, my career just sucks right now. Career? What career? Ha. It ain't a career unless you're paying your bills with it. But it IS an adventure and holy Peter Pan, you guys, I live in Manhattan and I'm chasing my dream.

But do you know how hard I have to work to feel excited about it? Because most of the time I just feel like I'm pounding my head on a block of cement while wearing pants made out of sand paper and soaking in a tub of rotting sardines and hot vinegar. And I feel hopeless. And I just want to pack it all in and head back to sunny El Lay.

I'm in the habit of saying little prayers, asking for little signs that I'm on the right path, that I'm doing the right thing, that I should stay in New York and not catch the next plane to the sun. AND I KEEP GETTING THESE LITTLE SIGNS. It's the weirdest fuckin' thing. I feel hopeless, I ask for a sign, I get a sign. In March when I asked for a sign? I found an apartment that was not only a way better deal than the one we had, but also way cheaper than anything comparable we could afford in L.A. Then I felt hopeless again and I asked for a sign and Estelle Parsons pulled me aside after a workshop to say, "We were lucky to watch you today." Then today? Then today I started feeling hopeless again, even after putting together my mailings, even after updating my website and finally (FINALLY IT'S BEEN ABOUT A YEAR) re-editing Ashley Andrews so it isn't so long and obnoxious, I was feeling all sad and hopeless and I was sorting my mail and I got my new equity card. And it came attached to a piece of paper that said this:

"It has been said that an Actor must have the hide of a rhinoceros, the courage and audacity of a lion, and most importantly, the fragile vulnerability of an egg. It also has been said, and I'm not sure by whom, that the moment of not knowing is the moment that has the greatest potential for creativity. The professional and private lives of most Actors are filled to the brim with moments of not knowing. Actors are survivors and will continue to strive because they have the need to celebrate, in performance, that sacred communion between Actor and audience."

Robert Prosky

1930 - 2008

And I felt .... liberated.

I'm going to have that piece of paper framed.

And, because we can't take ourselves too seriously, check out the new re-edited Ashley Andrews video. If you want. No pressure.

DID YOU WATCH IT YET?