I recently found out that one of my friends goes to auditions without her underpants.
I don't know about you, but when I think of a girl who doesn't wear underpants, I think of Britney Spears. I mean, come on. A lady doesn't not wear underpants. Right?
That being said, I want you to know that this friend of mine happens to be one of the most lady-like women I've met in a very long time. This girl is highly educated, has an IQ of 160; she's beautiful, poised, classy and demure; she's a gifted artist with a strong work ethic and more integrity in her little finger than most people manage in a lifetime. Seeing as how I have always turned my nose up at the kind of girls who would run around without panties on, when she told me she sometimes doesn't wear them, I responded by gasping and crying out in horror, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??"
"Panty lines." she said, matter-of-factly. "Panty lines and, well, it's very freeing. You should try it some time."
And so I did. One week later. Trust me, I hadn't planned on not wearing underpants that day. It just happened. I was changing in the bathroom at the audition site and I had brought a pair of underpants that claim to not show panty lines but they totally lie because I could definitely see them under my little black dress and not only could I see them, but I could see where they were cutting into my butt and waist and it was not flattering. So I took them off. Just like that - just to try it out. And I couldn't deny that the dress definitely looked better without underpants. I walked out of the bathroom and looked around at the other actors. My heart was racing. Could they tell? Was it obvious? Am I trashy? Are people staring? But no one seemed to notice. No one even looked up at me. So I walked over to an empty seat and put my stuff down and goodness! Sitting became a whole new adventure. As did crossing my legs, standing up, walking. However, I was determined to give this a fair shot. My name was called, I walked into the audition room - Oh God are they staring at me? Can they tell? Are they gonna think horrible things about me? But everything seemed normal. I mean, I was unbelievably self-conscious but I sang really well because I wasn't thinking about singing. It turned out to actually be a pretty great audition.
Last week I tried it again. At my Marilyn Monroe audition. I wore The Dress Called Sin*. And Sin just, well, really the main reason I've never worn Sin is because underpants are so obvious and it always looks like The Dress Called Sin With Bad Panty Lines which is so not sinful. So I wore Sin and I skipped the underpants and it was kind of wonderful. Sin looked utterly sinful, I looked utterly gorgeous and I felt .... free.
There are lessons to be learned here, kids:
1) Never judge a person by their decision to or not to wear underpants;
2) Underpants don't determine one's level of trashiness;
3) Not wearing underpants is kind of awesome.
(My mother is probably cringing right now. I don't blame her. But to that I say, "You should try it sometime!")
*Sin is this incredible red dress that is so clingy and so sexy and so completely H-O-T that it really, really should have some kind of license requirement. And you just can't, I mean, you really cannot wear anything under it because it is that clingy. It kind of looks like it's been painted on. I don't know what I was thinking when I bought it, which is why I've never worn it, but now that I can wear it without underpants and not feel trashy, well. Watch Out New York. And a special Thank You to my classy, gorgeous, poised, under-pants-free friend who taught me that it's OK to go without.
