Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sweaty Monkey

People keep asking me, "How's the humidity treating you?"

First of all, that question is just mean since I know you're just trying to rub in my face how humid it is in the city.

How's the humidity treating me? I woke up this morning on top of my bed-bug-free vinyl mattress, tangled in wet sheets, sweat rolling off of my sticky swollen body, my hair a tangled soggy mess and sticking to my face and neck. The air in my apartment is thick. We can't run our AC because we blew out four fuses yesterday trying to run it, so we've given up. The fan pathetically spits moist, fetid air across the apartment. The cats are panting. The hellhound, who hails from THE FIERY PITS OF HELL, might be dead. I won't let Poompy hug me because he's even stickier than I am and the thought of our two sticky masses of flesh touching is too much for my little head to bear. How's the humidity treating me? Just now a ribbon of sweat made it's way from my armpit, all the way down my rib cage, criss-crossed my belly and pooled in my bellybutton. I've been taking, at minimum, three showers a day and that isn't enough. And they are always cold showers because nothing else is bearable. I think I might shave my head again. I might shave the dog and the cats too. My feet are so swollen from the heat that none of my shoes fit, not that I want to wear them. It's difficult to get dressed because I'm never fully dry enough to prevent clothing from sticking to my body. How's the humidity? What do you want me to say? Oh! It's lovely! I really enjoy being able to open my mouth and take a sip of rancid water right out of the air! Thanks for asking!

THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN LOS ANGELES.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, that really REALLY sux. I thot Costa Rica was bad, but i got accustomed to it after a few days and it was fine. I hope the month of good weather comes soon!

Toots said...

I am grossly sticky just reading it.

Anonymous said...

i am soooooooo glad you haven't yet visited Hong Kong and when you do avoid late June, July and early August, or else NY will seem like one giant slice of dry heaven!