A Warm Family Welcome.

Me: Dude. Your weiner missed me.

Him: Yeah, he did.

Me: Your weiner is all over me! Geez!

Him: Well, my weiner likes pretty girls.

Me: Alright, baby. I'm tired. Can you get your weiner off me?

Him: I don't have a lot of control over my weiner.

Me: But he's slobbering all over my face!

Him: Well, sometimes my weiner just has a mind of his own.

Weekly Poll - Boogers

When asked what you would do upon meeting a really cool potential boyfriend/girlfriend who happened to have a giant booger hanging out of their nose, 6% of you said you'd tell them, but try to make a joke out of it; 4% would tell them, but in a really nice way; and 1% would be so grossed out that they'd walk away and never look back. And I know who that 1% is. Sicko. HA HA JUST KIDDING. Nah, actually, that is totally what I would do, too. Only I'd ALSO be inwardly laughing at them.

I am so mad I can barely see straight.

Hypothetical Situation, Or Perhaps Something My Husband Is Currently Experiencing. 

You plan a vacation. You get the dates approved by your employer before purchasing the plane tickets. During the four month period prior to leaving for said vacation, you periodically remind your employer that you will be leaving on the vacation on previously agreed upon dates. One week before you are scheduled to leave for your vacation, your vacation that you have been planning for four months, that you have already paid for, some bitch you work with quits unexpectedly and your employer tells you that if you choose to take your vacation anyway, you will not have a job when you return. It costs you $100 to cancel the plane tickets that you ONLY PURCHASED ONCE YOU'D GOTTEN APPROVAL FROM YOUR EMPLOYER. Should you be reimbursed for the financial burden caused to you by your employer? Or should you suck it up?

Is it 1823 and am I not allowed to have my own thoughts?

So Adam (who is visiting from LA because he is getting ready to move here) and I are sitting on my stoop yesterday afternoon chatting. I've got a big glass of iced tea and he's got a cigarette and we're just hanging out, enjoying the autumn weather, talking about life and whatnot, when this guy walks up to us. Now, he's walking west down the street, and because of the way we're sitting, as he approaches he'll have to pass me before passing Adam. So he walks up to us, passes me, stands in front of Adam and without even acknowledging I'm there, says, "Hey, do you live here? Can you tell me the parking situation?"

"No, man. I'm sorry. I don't live here, I don't know." Adam replies.

Eyes still on Adam, the guy says, "Well, does she know?" I take a sip of my iced tea. Adam takes a drag off his cigarette. The guy is getting impatient. I'm waiting for him to look at me, you know, acknowledge my presence or something, maybe ask me directly, but he doesn't. Another awkward moment goes by. The guy says, "WELL? DOES SHE?"

Adam looks over at me. I look up at the guy, but he is still glaring at Adam. I think about dumping my iced tea all over his shoes, but instead I say: "Yeah, I do. But you didn't ask me."

This reminds me of the night when I was in college and I had a shaved head and Adam and I were at a club watching my brother's band play and this guy walked up to Adam and said, "Can I touch her head?" and then pointed at me. And Adam was like, "Um, why don't you ask her?"

Either I look like the kind of girl who doesn't have the right to speak out loud to men outside my family, or Adam is freakishly intimidating.

Weekly Poll - About 2 Weeks Late

I'm sorry guys. I know, I know, it's been 16 days. Things come up and life just moves so damn quickly. But what I can't believe is that out of 11 people, TEN of you voted that you'd rather be Jerry. That's 90%. I know that because I'm SMART. I don't know, I guess I'm not really surprised that more people didn't want to be the dumb hunter.

Anyway, I can't really think straight right now because on Saturday night after my nephew left to go back to LA (did I mention my nephew was here visiting for a week and we had the best time ever and he's so cool and I am crazy about him and one of the cool things about living three thousand miles away from everyone I love is that when someone gets to visit, even though I haven't seen them in a year, I get to spend a whole week of nearly uninterrupted time with them and it provides a bonding experience that I probably would never really get if I lived in the same city and saw them regularly at family functions and what not. Anyway, it was a fantastic week and now I'm wondering when my niece is going to come spend a week with me because I know she's growing up really fast and I'd really like to get to know her better, too. But I digress.) Poompy took me way the fuck uptown, to the very tippy top of Manhattan to this neighborhood that he and my nephew had explored together. AND I COMPLETELY FELL IN LOVE WITH IT. It's the second-to-last stop off the A express train and so I was really hesitant to go because THAT IS SO FAR AWAY. But on a Saturday evening, with the all the trains running local and having just missed our train when we got to the platform so that we had to wait 15 minutes for another one, it only took us 45 minutes to get there. Including the 15 minute wait for a train. And on the way home? After 8 p.m. on a Saturday night? THIRTY MINUTES. THIRTY MINUTES TO 42ND ST. It's not that far away after all.

Oh and I can't even begin to tell you how spectacularly gorgeous this neighborhood is. It's like, it's like not even being in the city, except that you are still in Manhattan. And you're surrounded by huge parks on three sides and there is such a huge expanse of blue sky and so many trees everywhere and the parks are actually what is left over of actual REAL OLD GROWTH FOREST, THEY ARE NOT EVEN MAN-MADE PARKS DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION? DO YOU? BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY THINK YOU DO.

So we're moving. We don't know when, but hopefully it will be soon. And when I say "soon" I mean "next month". But I know, I have to be patient, it isn't as easy as all that, blah blah. It's just that I'm totally crawling out of my skin to go live in a place where I can be surrounded by trees and sky and more trees and trees that aren't all wimpy with little gates wrapped around them and still be really close to civilization. And honestly? There is a tiny part of me that is afraid to move to this neighborhood because up until now I've basically been counting down until I feel like it's ok for me to give up on NYC and move back to California but now? Now that I've found this oasis of nature at the top of the island? Now I think that if I lived there I might not ever want to leave.

Practicing their Kill Technique

And also, another example of why we call the blonde one "The Hellhound".

P.S. They did this for an hour and a half today, ALL OVER Central Park. But mostly wherever there were large expanses of dirt. They also did this all over Central Park yesterday morning and Friday morning. Is it any wonder then, why they are both passed out on the living room floor right now? Or why, when I jangle their leashes for a mid-afternoon pee walk they both look up at me as if saying, "God Woman! Haven't you had enough for one day?"

P.P.S. This video, as well as yesterday's, were shot on my PHONE. I can't believe it, can you?

Warning: Will Make Your Heart Melt

Unless you are just a cold, cold worm.