And then THAT happened.

Well. It's been, um, a little while since I've posted. And my last post was pretty bleak, I know. But something kind of incredible happened as a result. There was this beautiful outpouring of love. And remarkably, not just from those of you who read my scribblings, either. I got phone calls from people I haven't heard from in months. People who don't even know I write this thing, so had no chance to read my self-loathing rant, but had called simply because I was on their mind. It made my little blackened heart grow red and warm and fuzzy again.

And once I started opening up, really speaking honestly to the people I care about, all my misery and anxiety started melting away. So I just want to say THANK YOU to George, 'cita, Dopey, Schmadam, 2-9, D, C, J and J for the phone calls and the incredibly sage advice and the reminder that not only am I not alone, but I'm actually lovable.

Also, thank you Poompy, for reminding me how important it is that I take care of my body - he encouraged me to start taking yoga classes again, something I love almost as much as my art, but that I had let slip away from me these last four months because of time and money. He helped me find an affordable studio just four blocks from our apartment and though it isn't my beloved Golden Bridge, it's pretty frickin cool. I wasn't 15 minutes into my first yoga class this week before I was suddenly falling in love with my body. And when I love my body - it's intricate workings, the strength of my limbs, the flexibility and suppleness of my muscles and tendons - I can't help but to begin to love all of me. Even the inside junk.

So. Nearly a month of gloominess is under my belt and I'm pretty ready to shake it off and start laughing again. But I would like to share some of the wonderful and wise advice I received while I was in the Pit of Despair last week.


From George:
"Its a good thing that you are miserable. that's half the reason you're in new york. consider that you didn't go to new york to be happy. you went to new york to be uncomfortable and to struggle and to claw and scratch and writhe around. all of this that you are going through right now is designed to put the fight in you, to make you stand up and scream and holler what you want and what you believe in. to stop being a pushover and start being a fucking hardened champion who earned every bit of everything you will get in your life. Without your struggle your future means nothing."

That made me cry - in a good way. Because I knew he is right.
Then he said:

"stop doing the same shit you always do it doesn't work. don't be the person who keeps pushing the red button and getting shocked and then pushes the red button again cause its all they know. start taking new approaches to your life and to your auditions and to the way you look at money and life etc. Think about the thing in your head that says "wouldn't it be crazy if I..." but then you decide not do to and go back to doing it the typical way. go into the next audition in a fucking clown suit and shoot ping pong balls out of your ass cause that's what you gotta do. doing the same thing you always do will get you the same thing you always got. and for the love of god, stop pretending to be perfect, its the fact that you aren't perfect, that you wake up sometimes hating the world and hating everyone that you know, that makes you human and makes you worthy of being loved."

That made me cry too. Again, in a good way. I am going to give George the BIGGEST hug the next time I see him.

Then, one of my beloved mentors sent the below quote in an email to all his former students and friends and it shocked me how perfect it was for my immediate situation...

ELIZABETH KUBLER-ROSS, 1926-2004:
"You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower
garden, but you will grow if you are sick, in pain,
experience losses, and if you do not put your head in
the sand, but take the pain and learn to accept it,
not as a curse or a punishment but as a gift to you
with a very, very specific purpose."

And from my sweetest Dopey, though I'm not sure who originally said it, can you tell me, Dopey?

"I am not my mistakes. I can't do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering - no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition."

So. To each of you - Thank you for standing by me in what proved to be a very cold and dark hour. I LOVE YOU.