People Watching

I like to watch people.

I think everyone likes to watch other people, but for some reason it feels really taboo. Doesn't it? I mean, everyone likes to do it, but we're all terribly afraid of getting caught.*

I've gotten very good at staring at people discreetly. On the subway, I watch people by staring at the windows of the subway train and watching their reflections. I know. Super clever. The rest of the time I just watch out of the corner of my eye or I pretend I'm reading something but really I'm staring at someones feet and listening in on their conversation. That's the best. Listening in on people's conversations.

Last Sunday morning (afternoon) Poompy and I had brunch at this diner that claims to be The Best Diner in Manhattan, but actually isn't. We were all ready to have a wonderful, relaxing, leisurely brunch. Our first brunch in nearly two months. We settled in, ordered coffee (warm pond water) and were happily engrossed in a gushy young-lover-esque conversation that was going something like, "I love you!" "No, I love you!" "Well, I love you More." "That's impossible, silly face! I love YOU more!" when three people and a baby stroller entered the diner and were seated at the table next to ours. We didn't really think anything of it at first. I mean, I really only noticed them because of the baby stroller.** They were a mama and papa, probably in their early thirties, with a tiny sleeping infant in the stroller, and a girl who might have been the mama's little sister. She looked kind of like the mama and she was probably only about 20. At least I hope she was 20. If she was any older than that, she ought to be sent to Mars. And not because she was really smart and insightful and you know, capable of creating a new world on Mars or anything. But because she was so awful and stupid and obnoxious that she shouldn't exist on earth at all. Except saying she shouldn't exist is mean, so I am saying she should be sent to Mars. At least if she was only 20 I could chalk up her behavior to youthful ignorance. But if she was older than 20, someone needs to go. And by "go", I mean "away". And by "away" I mean, "put to a slow and painful death". Oh. Did I just say that? Total type-o. I meant, "sent to Mars". But I digress.

This girl was so awful she made me want to stick my fork in my eye. What could possibly have been so bad about her? you ask. Well. For starters. Her voice. Imagine the sound of a thin sheet of metal being bent in half. Add a half a cup of 78 chickens in a hen yard, a tablespoon of screeching tires, and a dash of fingernails on a chalk board. Oh, and turn the volume up as loud as it will go. That's what her voice sounded like. And she completely dominated the conversation at the table. She dominated the conversation at her table and my table. She was the only one of the three adults at her table who said a single word during their entire meal. Even Poompy and I couldn't talk over her. And she didn't shut up once. Here's an idea of what we got to listen to during our relaxing brunch:

"....so, he's really cute and everything, but I just don't think he makes enough money. I mean, he drives a Jag, but it's like, from like, 2003. The guy I went out with last week hadda '07 BMW and it was nice an' everything, but like, I really wanna go out with someone who like, drives a Bentley. I mean, that would just be the best. Cuz I look really pretty in a Bentley. And besides, like, he only spent about $100 on the dinner and then he wouldn't even buy me - oh I forgot this part. I saw these really cute Manolo Blahnik's when we were walking to dinner - can you believe he wanted to walk? I totally can't stand people who walk. Like, what losers. Anyway, so I saw these Manolo's and I was like, 'oooh, they're so cute! You should totally get these for me!' and he was just like, 'we should get to the restaurant so we're not late for our reservations,' or something. And I was like, 'just let me try 'em on, we can cab it to the restaurant,' and he was all, 'we should really get going,' or something. I was soooo mad. I totally deserve a new pair of Monolo's. I work so hard! I have to have a man who will recognize how hard I work and buy me Monolo's. I mean, can you believe he wouldn't even let me try them on???"

At this point, the baby in the stroller wakes up and starts whimpering. The girl pauses, with a disgusted look on her face, leans into the stroller and:

"Awwwwww! Why is he so sad? Why are you sho shad widdle baby? Are you teeving?" To the mama, "I bet he's teething. Have you ever gotten him a teething ring? Do you know what a teething ring is? My friend's aunt had a baby and she got him a teething ring because he was crying. I think it like, hurts them or something. And like, having something to put in their mouths makes them feel better, or something. You should totally get him a teething ring! Maybe after this, we can go shopping and I'll buy him a teething ring! He would look so cute with a teething ring! You have to make sure you keep it in the freezer. I don't know why, but it's like, because they like cold things. Babies like cold things. It's really good for them. Especially in the summer. It's sooo hot outside! He should have like, lots of cold things. Do you ever give him bottles with like, cold water in them? I bet he'd really like sparkling water! If I had a baby, I would only let him drink Perrier. Because that's like, the best water. Perrier and Evian. I would totally give my baby Evian. Oooh! Do you breast feed? That is SO gross. Are your boobs all saggy now? That is so nasty. I would totally never do that....."

And on. And on. And on. And on. Poompy and I watched in horrified wonder as the mama and the papa spent the entire meal staring at their plates, quietly eating, carefully restraining themselves from reaching across the table and punching her in the mouth.

You know, now that I think of it, when Poompy and I first sat down, there was this pleasant looking couple at the table across from ours. They got up and left pretty abruptly after we ordered our coffee. You don't think it had anything to do with the whole, "I love you," "No, I love you MORE," conversation do you? Because that's cute, right? People enjoy listening to that kind of thing, right? Don't they? Not so much?

*Except for those people who have absolutely no shame and choose to openly gape at me, despite the fact that they are clearly giving me the creeps. And I say "clearly" because they continue to stare at me even after I've given them a withering look and told them to fuck off.

Well, maybe by then they feel like they have a right to stare at me since I've just behaved like a crazy person and we all know that it's perfectly alright to stare at crazy people.

**When I see a baby stroller, or a baby for that matter, my uterus starts doing cartwheels. I can't help it. It's biology. I don't even really have to see the baby or the stroller. It's as if my uterus can sense there is a baby near before I even see it, let alone hear it. If the baby is crying, it's all over. When a baby cries my uterus practically crawls out of my body, trying to go lend comfort to the wailing infant.