F#$k Irony

The casting call for one of my auditions next week states that the casting director is looking for:

"Versatile actors with great comedic chops and a strong sense of irony."

I am most certainly versatile. I'm a freaking chameleon. And I definitely have great comedic chops. I mean, you all know I'm like, one of the funniest people ever. Right? Totally. I mean, just read any one of those blogs I post after I've had a bad day where I write 8,796 overly-emotional words on how miserable I am and how sad my pathetic little life is. That's some seriously funny shit, right? But as for a strong sense of irony. Well. I don't even know the definition of irony.*

So I ask Poompy.

"What is irony? I mean, I know that it's not 'ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife,' even though that's what Alanis Morisette said. And I know it isn't 'meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful wife,' either. Because after she came out with that song everybody ripped her apart for calling things ironic when they really weren't. So what is it?"

Poompy pauses. 

"Well...." he begins, "it's difficult to explain. It's better if I give you an example..." another long pause.

"Is it like, when the guy who's always been too afraid to fly but finally gets on a plane for his first time ever and kisses his wife and kids goodbye and then the plane crashes and he dies?" I ask.

"No, that just sucks. It'd be more like if he got on the plane and then had a heart attack and died. But the plane landed safely." is his reply.

I'm not satisfied. So I pull out my trusty dictionary and read aloud to Poompy:

Ironic:
1. the use of words to convey a meaning that is opposite of it's literal meaning;

2. Literature.
a. a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude, opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.

b. (esp. in contemporary writing) a manner of organizing a work so as to give full expression to contradictory or complementary impulses, attitudes, etc., esp. as a means of indicating detachment from a subject, theme, or emotion.

3. an outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected.

4. the incongruity of this.

5. an objectively sardonic style of speech or writing.

6. an objectively or humorously sardonic utterance, disposition, quality, etc.

"Right!" Poompy is excited. "Totally. It'd be like if I met this great girl and we fell in love and got engaged and showed up for our wedding day - "
"And it rained???" I gasp.
"No, that would just suck," Poompy says, aggrieved. "If we showed up for our wedding day and the girl's ex-boyfriend was there and she locked eyes with him and married him that day, instead," Thoughtful pause. "No. No, that actually isn't ironic either,"

We sit in silence for a moment. Then Poompy tries again.

"If I told you that you are really ugly, that would be ironic. Because you aren't ugly."
"So, then, it's like sarcasm?"
"No. It's different. It's ironic when you say the opposite of what you mean."
"Isn't that sarcasm?"
"No....," he sighs. "OK. If a person went in to have surgery on a massive brain tumor and the doctor's weren't sure if the person would survive the tumor, but they did, and then a week later they died of a heart attack,"
"Oh, OK. So, as long as there is a heart attack involved, then it's irony?"

Poompy just stares at me.

"If I told you you were a bad actor, it would be ironic." He tries again.
"That would just be mean," I say. I am exasperated now.
"No, it would be irony."
"It would be mean."
HUGE sigh. "Ok, so.... if a guy was afraid to drive because he'd recently had a bad car accident, but then he decided to drive one day but he had a heart attack behind the wheel and crashed."
"So then it does have to do with heart attacks!" I am triumphant.
"No.... fine. He doesn't have a heart attack, he has a stroke."
"Um.... is this why I've known a lot of people who have secretly confessed to me that they don't understand what 'irony' means?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you obviously can't explain irony, and no one else can either."
"I've been explaining it, for nearly the last hour! You just don't understand!"
"I understand Perfectly. I understand that you can't tell me what it is to be ironic!"
"I'm done talking to you."
"No, I'm done talking to you! Hmph!"

And with that, we cross our arms over our chests and sit there in frustrated silence.

A few icy moments pass. And then, from Poompy, "You wanna order pizza?"
"Totally!"

And with that, the subject of irony was forgotten completely. Until this morning. When I woke up and realized I still hadn't figured out what irony is.

So..... I ask you this: Is it, or isn't it ironic that, try as we might, neither of us could truly define irony? I think it is. Of course, I may be wrong. After all, there were no heart attacks involved.

*I can just hear some of you now: "She doesn't know what irony is?" laughs condescendingly, "that's unbelievable. Everyone knows what irony is," And to those people I say, "Then Give Me A Decent Example of it, Jerkface!"