The Intrepid Looms

The Intrepid Looms.

It's snowing for the first time today since it snowed on December 19th. Ok, it has snowed since then, but only little sloppy bits of snow that turn immediately into rain and suck my ass. Today it's snowing in a pretty way, in a way that suggests it might actually stick around long enough to pile up so that I might actually get to build a snowman this week. I wonder if that would lift my spirits?

I'm not sure why, but I've spent the last 24 hours in my Black Hole Of Despair. Meaning: I spent all day yesterday in my jammies, on my hands and knees scrubbing the tenement floor, sobbing. At least now the floors are really clean. I mean, REALLY clean. I went over them three times. I had a lot of crying to do. But Ah! Such Clean Floors!

I have no reason to be in the Black Hole Of Despair (BHOD). Things are good! Mike registered for classes on Thursday - his schedule is great, he's taking a full load and his work schedule won't interfere with his classes at all. Except that he won't get to sleep much. Oh, and he won't ever be at home. But I'm not complaining - I'm really excited for him and I want to do whatever I can to make this easier on him because I know what a challenge it is to be a full time student and have a job. Although, I was lucky enough never to have to work full time when I was a student, a luxury he does not, so far, have. I would like him to have that luxury, I really would. Which is, ah ha! part of why I'm so freaked out. He also applied for his student loan, which we are waiting to hear back about. NERVOUS. That's what I am. I'm very very NERVOUS. School is expensive and we can barely pay our bills. I'm seriously wondering if we can get by without cell phones. And internet. I mean, I could just check my email at the library down the street, right? And if people know to email me instead of calling me, I could live without a phone, couldn't I? I could make phone calls at the pay phone on the corner, couldn't I? That is totally reasonable. And how important is electricity, honestly? We could just light candles at night. It could work. No, no, I'M NOT JOKING. I NEED SOME HELP.

Yesterday we got three letters from three literary agents that Mike queried. The first one was from a woman to whom he'd sent the first two pages of the book and a synopsis. She wrote asking him to send her the first fifty pages of the novel. HOW WONDERFUL IS THAT? I was elated. And then we opened the other two letters. Thanks, but no thanks, they said. I took it much harder than he did. He shrugged and said he hadn't expected anything else and he was just happy that one person wanted to read more of his work. It was all I could do not to throw up. I wanted to die. Seems this is going to be harder on me than it is on him. Is that what threw me into the BHOD?

I'm a ball of anxiety. I need another job. I applied for eight different jobs yesterday. I'm terrified that we won't be able to cover our February rent. I hate this apartment. I want to move as soon as possible because the rent is eating us alive. I don't see how we will be able to move considering our current financial state. My agent hasn't sent me on an audition since before Thanksgiving. Since my LIFE ON MARS audition. That was nearly two months ago. Oh god, the world feels so hopeless today.

How do you keep from losing your mind when you feel like this? I'm assuming I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes? I'm exercising, I'm taking my serotonin-enhancing vitamins. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I'm sick to my stomach. I'm so terrified I feel paralyzed. And I'm starting to get paranoid about little things, like the pimple on my left cheek that doesn't look like a pimple and has been there for over two months. I think it's skin cancer. I'm probably dying. And I'm tired all the time. I have horrible black circles under my eyes even though I'm sleeping ten hours a night. My neck muscles have been sore for the last three weeks. I think the cancer is spreading to my lymph nodes. But I'll never know because we don't have health insurance, so I can't go to the doctor. And this is all ENTIRELY MY FAULT. I AM THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON DISRUPTING OUR EASY LITTLE LIFE IN CALIFORNIA. I AM THE ONE WHO INSISTED ON MOVING TO NYC WHERE WE ARE BROKE AND HAVE NO HEALTH INSURANCE AND LIVE AMONGST FILTH IN A NASTY TENEMENT ON THE HUDSON RIVER. You might be thinking, So why don't you just go back to California and quit yer whining? Well, I just can't. I just can't. I want to figure out a way to get through this. To survive this. To beat this. I can't chicken out now, when things are just starting to happen. I'd never forgive myself.

But wouldn't I make a great sitcom character? The crazy neighbor who lives without electricity and gets really depressed and convinces herself that she's dying of cancer when she's clearly just being a drama queen? Are you laughing yet? Please laugh. Please, someone, get something positive out of this. I'd like to, ONLY THIS IS MY LIFE. THIS IS REAL FOR ME. I ACTUALLY THINK I'M DYING. 

Alright, alright. Enough is enough. I refuse to spend the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. I refuse. In fact, right now, I'm going to pick myself up off the couch, wash my face, get dressed, and do something productive. HEY. BLACK HOLE OF DESPAIR, YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. HEAR THAT? YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

UPDATE:
I just sent an email about a job and they asked me to write all this stuff about my life goals and whatnot, and IT MADE ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. At the end of the email, I actually thanked them. And then I re-read this, and the gloom has vanished. Really. Everything is going to be ok. I'm sure of it. (Insert huge sigh of relief here.)