Watch Out For Poompy

Sibley wanted to know. And now I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep at night.
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After he came up with these results, I looked at him and said, "You'd eat human flesh to survive???" He replied with a completely straight face, in a calm, even voice: "You'd starve to death with food nearby?"

Oh. My. God. I'm married to a cannibal.

Thanks A Lot, Sibley.

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I am now thoroughly freaked out.

We Reap What We Sow

Poompy and I come home from an evening out with friends and were looking forward to curling up and doing married people things, but oh no. Not tonight. Because, see, we have four animals. Four. We open the front door and are greeted by the following scene:

The Chiremlin feasting on a pile of litter-caked cat poo, Theo lapping up a puddle of what could only be cat-poo-vomit released unto the carpet thanks to the Chiremlin, Toby cleaning out our toaster oven with his tongue, and Amelia hacking up a hairball onto our clean but not yet put away laundry.

Remind me again why we have four animals?

Tragedy

Let's just take a minute and say a prayer for the family and friends of actor Heath Ledger. He was an artist I truly admired. It's a terrible, terrible loss. And a frightening reminder of just how fragile life really is.

Los Angeles Tourists:

Stay the hell off the freeways during commuter times! I think that it is great that you are here, really I do. Everyone should see L.A. at some point. Hollywood Boulevard, Sunset Strip, Disneyland...well...that is Anaheim, but oh well. It is all great, I know. And I understand that you want to "get a head start" and "take advantage of the day". But if you don't know where you are going, Please, for the love of all good things, don't get on that freeway until at least 10:00 AM. We Los Angeleans KNOW where we are going. We know what lane to be in at all times. We know exactly where our exits are. We know what the traffic should be doing at every minute of the day. You, you tourist, DON'T. I understand that in every other part of this country (except Texas) 65 mph might be considered a bit faster than the norm. DEAL WITH IT. If you cut me off again going a cool 50, I will hunt you down and slash the tires of your compact rental car. If you signal left and jolt into the right lane in front of me again, I will stop you fast and rip you out of that driver's seat. This one I don't understand at all; rental car or not, isn't the turn indicator a standard down=left, up=right? MORON.

OH! And one for the spammers who insist on replying to posts: stop peddling your shit on my blog. I don't need to meet some 90 year old psycho who claims he is 26, asks me for coffee, then they find pieces of me scattered througout the Hollywood Hills. Also, it is pretty damn obvious that I don't know you when you offer me, a very small 85 pound person, weight-loss advice. I've got enough of that to share. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

I am sorry, I don't know what has come over me. My brain is fried from this heat. I will be happier tomorrow. I promise. Don't go away! I really can be a very positive, happy person. You'll see.

I have the BEST Poompy EVER

He just gave me my birthday present and it's something I've wanted for years.

Guess what it is!

No, it isn't a dead animal. No, it's not a shiny piece of charcoal either. It's a pair of 20-hole Doc Martens! I really do have the best Poompy in the world.

Puppy Shower

I was cruising Overheard In New York when I saw this. I thought to myself, "No Way. No one would ever have a puppy Shower because that's stupid." Turns out I'm wrong.

Click here to see the latest thing to make me want to gouge my eyeballs out of my head with a dull butter knife.

If anyone ever invited me to their "Puppy Shower" I would immediately end the relationship. Immediately. Because a Puppy Shower is just a really lame excuse to make your friends buy you crap you don't really need. And because I'd be really jealous because I have two dogs and no one has ever thrown me a Puppy Shower.